Know Your Worth

Maybe it has something to do with being brought up in the midwest (to a southern mother no-less), but it's always been tough for me to say no when people ask something of me. I just had a friend contact me to do a job. And since a lot of good stuff has been flowing into my life and opportunity has been blossoming (paid opportunity! that's important to mention :)), I naturally assumed that this job would fall into line with the rest, and pay me handsomely, if not moderately. I wrote back and asked how much the job paid. The job paid nothing.

You might imagine that I was a little insulted at this assumption that I would work for free. And I was. But then I thought about it and remembered all those times in the past when I didn't know my worth, because someone hadn't yet put a dollar sign on it (!). And I realized that this is the person my friend knew. Even though I've changed, and continue to change, this is the person he remembers. And this is the person I'm trying to leave behind (p.s. - it's not easy!).

I think that if my friend had asked that person to do the job for free, she might have said yes because she didn't know that her time and energy and TALENT were worth more than nothing. I wish I could go back and say to her - 'Hey, just because you're not getting paid to do this yet, doesn't mean you have to take every unpaid shit job that comes your way because you need 'experience''. It's so much easier to say 'Uh... NO' - now that I'm getting paid to do GREAT jobs (also, I know that I've paid my dues, and then some, and the shit jobs need to be taken by someone else who is coming into her/his own and needs to go down that path for their own reasons). I've always had to struggle with my self-confidence, my sense of worth. I've always had a negative voice inside of me on repeat telling me that life isn't some beautiful fantasy land where all my dreams get to come true and that i'm probably just going to keep repeating the same mistakes. And if I'm honest - and I am! - that tape has said this and SO much worse. And I have a hunch i'm not alone.

The thing that is different now, is that I'm actually starting to listen to the tape and say: 'Excuse me but could you please back-it-the-fu*ck-up?! Wait a second! Why CAN'T my life be some "beautiful fantasy"?? WHY NOT??? Okay - I know every day can't be chocolate and rainbows, but things CAN be pretty damn good.' And honestly they have been. Because I've been working hard on figuring out the crux of those voices and putting them to rest (and doing a ridiculous amount of positive affirmations. YES I HAVE vision board). I'm getting there but I still stumble. For example: even though things are so GREAT right now and opportunity and all these awesome things are happening, I'm really struggling with trusting it and not coming from a place of fear.

I believe that the path I've chosen, (though it's been heart-breaking at times and I'm still frequently filled with uncertainty and I'm sure I will be tested again and again) is the best path for me. Even saying that is hard because I'm doubting myself right now: 'Really Ann?? - You think this is the best path? You might never be able to afford to have a child because of this path and I know you're going to regret that'. And the truth is, I would. I really would. But you know what I would regret more? Leaving behind my heart and my creative identity and never knowing what would have happened if I'd just ridden the wave, that scary, scary wave, and seen where I could go with it. Because I have a hunch, especially lately :) that it's someplace really good. And it might even look a little bit like a beautiful fantasy sometimes.