something got taken away. i had it and then the world said, 'nope'. i think about how long i've been in New York, moving like molasses. it's like trying to break through a brick wall with a fucking spoon. i want so badly to make sense of what has unfolded but i can't. so, i give up today. i gave up last night too. i might give up for a few days. hopefully i'll have some reserve for my show on Friday. $5! UCB! 7pm!
who do i think i am? who am i to wish happiness? what right do i have to live my dream? i think these things right now. i do. i am wishing them away so hard. i am wishing them away with all my might. i just don't have much might today. all of the stuff that i should be embracing like: everyone has their own path, or - everything happens for a reason or - when one door closes another one opens or - there is something that can be learned from everything, just makes me want to interject with
'please, shut the fuck up. please, shut the fuck up and quit spewing hope like it's something real because i'm sick of my hope being scratched out of me.'it's not nice. but there it is. i was waiting in line and Mariah Carey's 'Hero' came on and my eyes started stinging.
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
REALLY MARIAH?! A hero in ME?!!
okay. i guess there is some cheesy, syrupy part of me that wants to have faith. that wants to believe. that wants to live life accompanied by the 'Glitter' soundtrack. i guess it's just one of those days when you've got to be where you feel. and if Mariah to the Carey is gonna resonate today, i will just let it echo in my heart. perhaps there is a hero in me. holy christ. at least i'm laughing right now. this shit is bananas.
