usually at an audition there's a woman with hair perfectly pasted in place; made-up like someone has taken an airbrush to her face. these, i'm sure you will agree, are probably not horrible qualities, but i find them a smidge hateful none the less.
i'm not unattractive and i can use a hairbrush. and not to toot my own horn but alright... i was on the homecoming court in high-school and rocked a pretty snazzy Laura Ashley'esque dress to mark the occasion. however, whenever i get in the vicinity of these human Barbies, i feel like a cave-woman crawling out of my den of dirt with lice leaping out of my hair. or Courtney Love.
i think what bothers me most about my dislike for these women is the knowledge that i'm in company with them. no matter how shallow i determine they are (and sometimes it's like, totally gag me with a spoon inducing?), we are playing the same game. i'm aware that some of this may be spurred by insecurity. there's probably some junior-high slight i've never fully let go of (flash-back to me sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of the girls bathroom after being dumped by Jeff Mobley for Shannon MacAtee - a much more buxom and 'exploratory' 8th Grader - inconsolable until someone suggested we go to Wendy's and get Frosties and Fries).
who knows, maybe Barbie is a closet genius and i'm the asshole who thinks i'm so much more original and interesting because i write my own material and stage my own shows. i'm certainly not the only 'original' in this city - kaleidoscopic in it's uniqueness - and i'm aware of that.
i guess what i'm trying to say is sometimes i just wish these bitches would shut their dumb-ass faces. today i was party to a conversation which pretty much went down like this:
dude:
in a monotone voice to convey the fact that he could care less about everything (except, of course, getting in this girl's pants) - You wanna hear something really gross. I mean, totally disgusting.
babs:
in a voice trying to be ironic to show the dude she's interesting and confident because she feels the polar opposite inside: Oh my God, you know me - we go way back
(this is funny because they've only just met, get it?!) - i LOVE disgusting shit.
dude:
continues with gross story which is really not that gross. babs:
(delivered in an ironic tone, of course): Oh my God, that is SO nasty.
i sound bitter don't i? i just notice this shit, okay? and my whole entire being roils with a gigantic inner heave when i do.
maybe the Barbies sense this when they purposely slither their painted on seven jeans into my path and say 'excuse me' in a steamy voice meant to convey 'watch out - i
might be dangerous' - but which just comes across sounding very sibilant and slightly moronic.
i observe the seeming ease with which they navigate the nerves of a call back: giggling and tossing their hair behind their shoulder as though they're on some photo shoot for a glossy. the way they flirt with everyone in the room (
especially the casting director or whomever they deem most powerful) while ignoring the only other woman in the room (whom they have decided is their competition to the death for a non-speaking fast food commercial).
i hate them so much! okay maybe hate is too strong a word: strongly abohor? have a healthy dose of malevolence for?
maybe next time i'll be able to put my red-hot demon away and really observe so that i can use them in my next show. in which they will suffer a gory and bloody demise at the hands of a louse infested, snaggle-toothed, neanderthal.
