can use hairbrush

usually at an audition there's a woman with hair perfectly pasted in place; made-up like someone has taken an airbrush to her face. these, i'm sure you will agree, are probably not horrible qualities, but i find them a smidge hateful none the less.

i'm not unattractive and i can use a hairbrush. and not to toot my own horn but alright... i was on the homecoming court in high-school and rocked a pretty snazzy Laura Ashley'esque dress to mark the occasion. however, whenever i get in the vicinity of these human Barbies, i feel like a cave-woman crawling out of my den of dirt with lice leaping out of my hair. or Courtney Love.

i think what bothers me most about my dislike for these women is the knowledge that i'm in company with them. no matter how shallow i determine they are (and sometimes it's like, totally gag me with a spoon inducing?), we are playing the same game. i'm aware that some of this may be spurred by insecurity. there's probably some junior-high slight i've never fully let go of (flash-back to me sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of the girls bathroom after being dumped by Jeff Mobley for Shannon MacAtee - a much more buxom and 'exploratory' 8th Grader - inconsolable until someone suggested we go to Wendy's and get Frosties and Fries).

who knows, maybe Barbie is a closet genius and i'm the asshole who thinks i'm so much more original and interesting because i write my own material and stage my own shows. i'm certainly not the only 'original' in this city - kaleidoscopic in it's uniqueness - and i'm aware of that.

i guess what i'm trying to say is sometimes i just wish these bitches would shut their dumb-ass faces. today i was party to a conversation which pretty much went down like this:

dude: in a monotone voice to convey the fact that he could care less about everything (except, of course, getting in this girl's pants) - You wanna hear something really gross. I mean, totally disgusting.

babs: in a voice trying to be ironic to show the dude she's interesting and confident because she feels the polar opposite inside: Oh my God, you know me - we go way back (this is funny because they've only just met, get it?!) - i LOVE disgusting shit.

dude: continues with gross story which is really not that gross.

babs: (delivered in an ironic tone, of course): Oh my God, that is SO nasty.

i sound bitter don't i? i just notice this shit, okay? and my whole entire being roils with a gigantic inner heave when i do.

maybe the Barbies sense this when they purposely slither their painted on seven jeans into my path and say 'excuse me' in a steamy voice meant to convey 'watch out - i might be dangerous' - but which just comes across sounding very sibilant and slightly moronic.

i observe the seeming ease with which they navigate the nerves of a call back: giggling and tossing their hair behind their shoulder as though they're on some photo shoot for a glossy. the way they flirt with everyone in the room (especially the casting director or whomever they deem most powerful) while ignoring the only other woman in the room (whom they have decided is their competition to the death for a non-speaking fast food commercial).

i hate them so much! okay maybe hate is too strong a word: strongly abohor? have a healthy dose of malevolence for?

maybe next time i'll be able to put my red-hot demon away and really observe so that i can use them in my next show. in which they will suffer a gory and bloody demise at the hands of a louse infested, snaggle-toothed, neanderthal.