Woman at a Bathroom Mirror

A WOMAN STANDS AT THE BATHROOM MIRROR OF A RESTAURANT. SHE'S REALLY LOOKING AT HERSELF CAREFULLY.
SOMEONE WALKS IN THE DOOR. SHE LOOKS. IT TAKES A MOMENT TO REGISTER.

WOMAN
Hannah? Oh my gosh!

HANNAH
Oh my god Kate, hi!

KATE
Hi!

HANNAH
HI!

KATE
Wow. So good to see you! It's been what, 10 years?

HANNAH
Yeah - something like that, yeah.

KATE
Well, so your'e in L.A.?

HANNAH
Acting! I'm actually still acting.

KATE
You're still acting?! That's great! Good for you!
So - what do you - do you work here?

HANNAH
Yeah, I'm actually just about to start my shift.

KATE
Oh.
Hey! - If we'd gotten here a little later you could have been OUR waitress!

HANNAH
Yeah.
Hey, congratulations!

KATE
Oh well, thanks! Yeah. Best actress - I guess they really like me, huh?!
So you're still acting and stuff. That's great! What have you done?

HANNAH
Well, you know - i just moved here so... I'm still trying to get my foot in the door!

KATE
Oh.
Well, that's great!

HANNAH
Well, you've done really great for yourself!

KATE
Well, thanks. Yeah. I'm actually discussing a potential project right now - so... should get back.

HANNAH
Oh yeah. Of course.

KATE
Well it was really great seeing you!

HANNAH
Kate. I have something to say to you.

KATE
Oh, okay.

HANNAH
Why did you never come to meet me that day?

KATE
What day? I'm sorry - I don't think i remember -

HANNAH
I think you do.

KATE
BEAT
Okay Hannah. Sorry. I'm sorry.
Are we good? I'm really sorry.

HANNAH
You didn't have to do that.

KATE
Hannah. I am sorry about that. I really am. I don't know. I just. I forgot okay?

HANNAH
You forgot. Okay.

KATE
Yeah.
BEAT
I was really busy. I had a lot going on. I just forgot. I didn't mean to be deliberately -
BEAT
I was maybe a little jealous of you -

HANNAH
Of ME?

KATE
- and I guess that was how it manifested itself... so...

HANNAH
Well, it was mean.

KATE
I'm sorry. I do remember. And it was mean, okay? Are we okay here?

HANNAH
STARTS TO CRY

KATE
Oh God. You're crying over a coffee date i missed 10 years ago?

HANNAH
STILL CRYING - I'm not crying about THAT!

KATE
Well, what then?

HANNAH
I just...
It's just....

KATE
WAITING, UNCOMFORTABLE

HANNAH
STILL CRYING It's not fair! I work so, so hard! You were so cold!

KATE
Okay. Whatever.

Maybe I was mean - but...

Okay, I was mean... okay?
I think I admitted that already - but
Please stop crying.
You just have to be stronger. You know? Just be strong.

(trying to make her laugh) - You're SO sensitive!

(that didn't work) I'm sorry you're sad. I really am.

(doesn't know what to do with herself, very uncomfortable)

I'm glad you're still - you know - acting. I always thought you were really good.

HANNAH
You did?

KATE
Yeah.
BEAT
Everyone has a different path.
BEAT
So - I've really got to go -

GOES IN FOR A TENTATIVE HUG

HANNAH POINTS TO THE OSCAR SHE'S LEFT ON THE VANITY.

HANNAH
Don't forget your Oscar.

KATE
Oh. Yeah. Thanks.
Bye.

For ES

Well - today was today and yesterday was yesterday. It's good to have friends who speak up about stuff and let you know honestly what they think in a helpful constructive way. i'm stoked about that. i could even say it's awesome. also - i had an audition today that was not all bad. the waiting room was filled with babies - i don't mean young children, i mean babies - the little dumpling kind you want to 'hold them and squeeze them and call the George'(well - maybe not the best reference - but you know what i mean). so even though i didn't know that i would be waiting in a metaphorical play-pen for my audition - for over an hour - i got to meet Hugo - a perpetually happy, well adjusted young gent of one year who had cheeks you want to eat and a smile to make you all googley. and i got to hold his little dumpling self on my lap and pat him on his tummy.

point break

i'm guessing that the constant feeling of approaching tears would mean that i'm at my breaking point today. what brought it on? probably a culmination of several things. we will have to exterminate for bed bugs again. after we thought it was all over. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (except maybe Mrs. Beatty, my high school band teacher/pinch-hit muscal director and bitch on wheels). it is such an upheaval. they are evil, evil pests that seem designed for immortality. seriously of the devil. i'm at such a loss i can't even express how disappointing and discouraging it all is. the whole thing is the biggest strain. it is taxing on the pair of us.

i just got back from an audition. there was a girl going on and on about her upcoming trip to Africa and how she's been learning Swahili and how to make corn cakes or whatever. so annoyingly progressive. i just wanted to white her out. but she was permanent marker. then she goes on about how many commercials she's been in and how she needs a better agent because it's really 'time'and blah blah blah. puhleese lady.

i was so nervous in the audition my butt started to shake. and when they asked me to smile - my lips started to quiver. and all for a toothbrush commercial. the inanity of this is not lost on me. i don't know what to do about it. 'is this really where i'm at right now? is this my life?' keeps revolving in my head. of course the answer is - 'well yeah. it is. but it won't be this way forever' it's that last part i have trouble believing. i can't quite understand how i can be so silly as to put so much stock in these little things. but i do. and how.

i'm in the office. slowly draining. i am so tired i'm stupid. i wish i could just walk away from it. i wish i could just go work on my show today. my show that i feel will never materialize. the bullshit in my head right now is breaking my heart.

for reals

First of all, did you know that this exists?



Thank God. It's called kitty wigs and obviously every cat should have one.

Second. It's P-dog time. That's not jive talk. That's lady talk for the deep, slow ache in my abdomen and thighs. It's letting me know that I am a woman (excuse me gents, but i'm being for reals here)

Being a woman is great. You can wear long hair and make-up. But once you reach a certain stage (*a.k.a. age), you start to worry that one day soon your womb will be barren and recede into you like dry fruit. I read this article today. I was like - WOW lady. somebody's wearing smart pants. And it's not me! Every time the fear of time encroaching on my slowly dying eggs overtakes me, i find something to do that will make me feel like a kid again: like drinking irresponsibly (not really mom, i'm just being spicy! and when i do drink irresponsibly it's always with a cab home and a much more sober friend to accompany me. love you!) - eating ice cream in stinky lounge-wear or watching Tudors for four hours straight. It's not helpful. And i know this. But see, here's the thing:

a)i believe that i have to 'make it' for myself before i have a child, otherwise i will just shovel all of my resentment and disappointment onto them for having given up my career and force them to wear ensembles of my choosing (a lot of pastels, corduroy and itchy cableknit tights (boys can wear them too) designed to slowly chip away at my child's self respect). and i will have to give up my career ambitions for her/him. because i do not have my shit together enough and I'm not as smart as some ladies i know who are doing both- and are making it work!

b) i'm poor as shit and my b.friend is too

c) what if i drop it?

that said. i really want this whole career thing sorted out. and i am working hard to do that. but i do wake up in the morning occasionally with the panicky thoughts of

what if this doesn't happen? what if it doesn't fall into place? and what if i do drop it?

i won't drop it. i know that. but i am scared of all of that. for reals.

string cheese blues

you ever feel like string cheese? string cheese is the worst cheese. i used to like it when i was a kid though, and mainly - i think - because you could peel it. same thing with magic shell. that was fucking awesome. AND MAGIC. you could take your spoon and thwok it - it really WAS a shell! and I LIKED the taste - although my adult taste buds would disagree now. maybe not though. maybe i would still like that overly sugary, additive and preservative laden taste. hmmm.

i'm doing drink at work tonight. a little sketch my friend Bryan Olsen and i worked out where I play a deranged wife to his completely hapless and clueless husband. it's sick. i love working with Bryan because he's so talented and he plays the naive mid westerner so well. probably because he was one. i might know a little bit about that too.

DRINK AT WORK
9pm at COMIX (Ochi's Lounge downstairs)
353 W. 14th St. at 9th Ave.

jump/shout/giggle

monday morning blues. after a kick-ass shoot in the mountains upstate with some of the funniest women i know, i'm back down in the city. you know that feeling you get when you're a kid and it's your birthday? you wait by the window for the first car to pull up and when it finally does you do a jump/shout/giggle dance? that was what the whole weekend was like. it was a long, sweet, prolonged jump/shout/giggle dance with an amazing italian mama who stuffs you with the most yummy food while you are surrounded by good friends - working hard and laughing and loving and eating and drinking the whole way through.

more please.

the core of it

going upstate to Adira's to shoot Mascara Mountain tonight - a spoof on such shows as Lipstick Jungle and the like. i think we are going to be a chilly group as the weather forecast is predicting little sun and rain clouds. hope to get some good footage out of it though. i'm excited to see what we can come up with.

i've been churning the idea for a new show in my brain. and even though it's been slightly torturous, it's so uplifting that all these friends who have their own artistic endeavors (Jon, Sara!) offer their aid and attention to me. i met with the generous and very talented Ms. Eliza Skinner last night to talk about plotting out the show. it's been slow going and i feel a bit like molasses. but she really helped me to think things out and we spoke about a core or spine for the show (awesome!). it was really cool. it really helped to talk outside of my own head and that Eliza has good ideas - she's so smart!

what came up for me - and what i ruminate on weekly if not daily - is the division i feel inside of wanting to reach my dream to be a successful working actor while at the same time feeling the encroachment of time and not wanting to loose out on the dream to one day be a mommy, and have a family to call my own. it's possible that this inner contest was lit anew when i went to the GYNO the other day (lovingly illustrated in the post below). it occured to me that this division sort of mirrors a public me and a private me and then Eliza said - it would be interesting to see that in the show with your characters! and then i said oooh yeah!

it was a good meeting. and then i came home and watched Dame Helen Mirren on Charlie Rose (i am becoming a yuppy) saying that the best performers bring themselves to a role but how that's very hard for actors because we are always comparing ourselves to other actors. and i thought 'shit - even Ms. Helen Mirren does that!. awesome. now I just need to get me a movie deal and an illustrious career to soothe the sting of my bouts of actor on actor jealousy.

35. Set Your Cap

ANN ON HER BACK. FEET UP IN STIRRUPS.

GYN
SO! You married?

AC
Oh, no. This isn't a wedding ring!

GYN
(big smile) Oh! So, what is it then?

AC
Just a ring.

GYN
Oh! So you and your boyfriend - not married.

AC
No. We live together.

GYN
(look of disapproval) Oh. Oh, so you will never get married.

AC
No. It's just. Well, we both come from divorced families so we're both sceptical of marriage. I don't want a wedding in City Hall...

GYN
Oh yes, City Hall. I see.

AC
But we probably have a common law marriage by now.

GYN
What's that - the common law marriage?

AC
Oh - it's. Well, when you live with someone long enough that the law considers you married.

GYN
Oh, well.
So, he won't marry you.

AC
No - he's - we're both just not ready...maybe we're afraid to commit. And we don't have enough money. I'm an actor, so...

GYN
Oh! You do the acting!

AC
Yes, I do that.

GYN
Yes, I can tell. You have a very changing face.

AC
Oh, thanks!

GYN
Yes. Your face is decent.

AC
Oh... thanks.

GYN
So, where do I see you?!

AC
Oh, well... I don't have anything on TV right now , but I'm working on it!

GYN
Oh

AC
I audition for commercials.

GYN
Oh! What channel?!

AC
Oh, well... I haven't made one yet, but I audition a lot for them.

GYN
(disappointed) Oh.

AC
You know Philadelphia Cheese?

GYN
What's this?

AC
They make cream cheese?

GYN
Yes! I know it!

AC
I had an audition for them.

GYN
When can I see it!

AC
Well, I didn't get it.

GYN
Oh. Well, what was it for?

AC
Oh it was kind of gross. They were these bagels with cream cheese that you heat up in the microwave.

GYN
Oh, I love this! You never had that before?!

AC
No, I don't think it sounds good.

GYN
(appalled) WELL! But how can you sell a product you never even tried?!

AC
Um....I'm an actor.

GYN
It's very good! You should try! I have it every morning. Just 30 second in the microwave. Good stuff!
(starts with the pap smear)
So, You want babies?

AC
Well, I guess it's been on my mind.

GYN
35 cut-off.

AC
What?

GYN
Yep. 35 set your cap.

AC
Oh...really?

GYN
Yes! You think you just get pregnant like that? You just stop the birth control and all a sudden you get pregnant?!

AC
I don't know

GYN
Everyone thinks - 'Oh, I'll just get pregnant!' It takes TIME! It's not like you just go and say 'oh, i want a baby! one baby, please!' It takes a lot of - you know...

AC
You mean you have to have a plan?

GYN
35. Set your cap.

AC
But isn't that sort of arbitrary?

GYN
Eggs not arbitrary.

AC
[SILENCE]

GYN
Okay! Finish!

AC
Okay. Thanks

GYN
You should try the bagel that way! So good! You might like it!

remembrance

this morning's walk to the train, i looked at my feet. i like my black converse. they are classic. they are a versitle fashion component, like pearls. you can wear them for fun, or to give a kicky look to an evening gown!

my grandma binford wore white keds around the house. she would cut holes out of them for her bunions. they sat on a boot mat next to the fancy (i thought) double door fridge which always held an Andre's Whipped Cream Torte in honor of my visit (that whipped cream torte is heaven in your mouth). she was a fashionable lady and worked in advertising all her adult life while raising two girls by her own hand (and the hand of a nanny). she wore beautiful high heels that killed her long, narrow feet. her laugh was a warm cackle coming deep from her heart. the house was old and was all about my grandma. it was a person-house to me. two large windows on the top floor and two directly beneath and the front door an ample mouth with a porch affixed and stairs rolling out like it's tongue. it's the kind of house you don't see anymore: large but modest with a huge yard and a very old oak(?) spreading out over the green. the vintage wallpapering in the kitchen - little pots and pans and spoons. the gentle give of the sturdy wood floor in the kitchen. the perfume of floor wax and vanilla and pecans. like a whole home hugging you.

i have difficulty remembering her voice, her expressions. except her laugh. i can still hear that.

The Weekend Observer

Oh lady grey day. Go away.
I'm going to try something. I'm going to pretend that my office job is really my very own office where i can write and create things and not be pressed into a human version of a dried flower. It's part of my movable writing feast and I won't surf the internet when i have free-time.
I.
WILL.
WRITE!

Well, maybe I can surf the internet once in a while.
We'll see how it goes. Having faith is important.

I went to a comedy show last night to benefit the fight against cancer. I largely went to support my friend Katina, because the benefit was in the name of her young friend Dottie who had 5 children when she succomed to cancer this past year. Sort of hard to get your head around that. Everyone involved was tops.

It's interesting when you are just the observer and not a performer. I haven't done much observing in a while. The performer in you feels a bit out of sorts and uncomfortable. It's sort of like walking into a room to grab something and forgetting what it was. You're just confused. You're looking at the wall like it holds some kind of answer as to what you should be doing. But then you begin to look at the room around you and you still can't remember what the hell it was you needed but you find something else that you forgot you needed. But that other thing you need is still nagging at you in the back of your mind. There were some other things i observed in my brain, but I will save you from them and reserve them for my therapist.

There was another instance this weekend in which I was the observer. Saturday morning was the morning I had said 'okay Annie - no more pussy-footin' around - today is the day to knock out a real clear format for your next show! you can do it!' Just a 10 minute walk from my grey neighborhood is a rainbow colored neighborhood called Jackson Heights that houses the Espresso 77 Cafe on the corner of 77th Street and 37th Avenue. Lovely little nook. Bright orange walls and Sweedish inspired furnishings. LOVE that place. I was set. I had my paper and i had my pen and i had some of the show typed out already. But then I realized that these two hippy grandmas next to me were not shutting up. In fact, they were quite overbearing, interesting and FUNNY.

Oh my God.

What?

I went to Don's memorial last weekend. You remember - Jean and Gerry were in the band with him?

Oh sure.

Well. I mean. Teresa, I mean, she was so in love with him. She said to me. I just always wanted to be around him. We just liked eachother.

Oh Geez.

Yeah. They had this video that like - a professional film guy and a professional photographer did. Not a dry eye in the house. Not a dry eye.

Oh my God.

I know! I mean, that's the way to do it.

Oh wow.

I know. So how's Jennifer?

She's GREAT!

Yeah?

She met someone.

She DID?! WHO?! Tell me EVERYTHING!

Well, they met on E-Harmony. I LOVE him.

Yeah?!

I love him to BITS! If I could get him to propose to her tomorrow I would. He is SO GREAT! And Jennifer was like the last one that he tried out. He had just had it and he wasn't meeting anyone, you know, he was interested in and she was the last one!

OH MY GOD. What's he look like?!

Well, he's Jewish and Irish, a mix. And he is just the nicest guy just such a great personality.

Uh huh?

And - warm eyes, you know.

Mmm-hmm?

SO NICE. He's not really good looking but he's not unattractive either.

Well, THAT'S GREAT! GOOD FOR HER!

I KNOW! Thank God. As long as she's happy. I was so worried.

Well, and he's NICE.

Yeah. He is SO NICE.

That's Great.

Yeah.