my heartland

i'm leavin' on a jet plane for iowa tomorrow morning. bright. and early. specifically, i'm going to iowa city, the town i was born and raised in. it is my town. even though my parents don't live there anymore. they say you can't go home again. i find this to be true. home is a time and a place and times and places change. so home changes. so you can't go home again - at least to the same home.

i woke up this morning and the first thought in my head, i kid you not, was of Ashton Kutcher. Mr. Kutcher grew up not far from my town. one of the small farming communities (does anyone really farm anymore? maybe in iowa, though i think it's probably all corporate now). anyway, yes, the first thought in my head was of this beautiful man from iowa. then i thought that he is around my age or younger than me. then i thought of him sleeping in bed with his older wife. i wonder if she is beautiful in the morning? maybe her age shows, but he finds her beautiful anyway. ah no - she's had work done - she's probably high and tight y'all. i wonder if they have a wild sex life? i bet. then i thought: though he's not very talented, he's a smart business minded man (engineering major) who is producing a lot of television shows and other stuff. and then i thought 'i wish i had a head for business and a bod for sin.' then i marveled at how he is way, way up in the stratosphere and i'm still hacking away. then i got anxious about going back to the land of corn and cattle and good men and women. and now it's 10:17 pm and i'm still packing. the mind is a funny thing. and it can make you feel like you are going crazy.

here's the thing. i'm where i'm at. perhaps i'm not comfortable right this moment. but who says everything has to be perfect? letting things hit you in the center of your heart. breathing deeply and holding on to the truth of this millisecond, even if it's a truth you want to reject. that's the real deal folks. i'm trying to remember that. i'm trying to remember that just because i might not be hitting all the marks i've idealized in my head, it doesn't mean i'm not progressing (at a snail's pace - just kidding!) . and you know what? that DOES count for something. also, it helps me not want to vomit up my soul.