point break

i'm guessing that the constant feeling of approaching tears would mean that i'm at my breaking point today. what brought it on? probably a culmination of several things. we will have to exterminate for bed bugs again. after we thought it was all over. i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (except maybe Mrs. Beatty, my high school band teacher/pinch-hit muscal director and bitch on wheels). it is such an upheaval. they are evil, evil pests that seem designed for immortality. seriously of the devil. i'm at such a loss i can't even express how disappointing and discouraging it all is. the whole thing is the biggest strain. it is taxing on the pair of us.

i just got back from an audition. there was a girl going on and on about her upcoming trip to Africa and how she's been learning Swahili and how to make corn cakes or whatever. so annoyingly progressive. i just wanted to white her out. but she was permanent marker. then she goes on about how many commercials she's been in and how she needs a better agent because it's really 'time'and blah blah blah. puhleese lady.

i was so nervous in the audition my butt started to shake. and when they asked me to smile - my lips started to quiver. and all for a toothbrush commercial. the inanity of this is not lost on me. i don't know what to do about it. 'is this really where i'm at right now? is this my life?' keeps revolving in my head. of course the answer is - 'well yeah. it is. but it won't be this way forever' it's that last part i have trouble believing. i can't quite understand how i can be so silly as to put so much stock in these little things. but i do. and how.

i'm in the office. slowly draining. i am so tired i'm stupid. i wish i could just walk away from it. i wish i could just go work on my show today. my show that i feel will never materialize. the bullshit in my head right now is breaking my heart.