for reals

First of all, did you know that this exists?



Thank God. It's called kitty wigs and obviously every cat should have one.

Second. It's P-dog time. That's not jive talk. That's lady talk for the deep, slow ache in my abdomen and thighs. It's letting me know that I am a woman (excuse me gents, but i'm being for reals here)

Being a woman is great. You can wear long hair and make-up. But once you reach a certain stage (*a.k.a. age), you start to worry that one day soon your womb will be barren and recede into you like dry fruit. I read this article today. I was like - WOW lady. somebody's wearing smart pants. And it's not me! Every time the fear of time encroaching on my slowly dying eggs overtakes me, i find something to do that will make me feel like a kid again: like drinking irresponsibly (not really mom, i'm just being spicy! and when i do drink irresponsibly it's always with a cab home and a much more sober friend to accompany me. love you!) - eating ice cream in stinky lounge-wear or watching Tudors for four hours straight. It's not helpful. And i know this. But see, here's the thing:

a)i believe that i have to 'make it' for myself before i have a child, otherwise i will just shovel all of my resentment and disappointment onto them for having given up my career and force them to wear ensembles of my choosing (a lot of pastels, corduroy and itchy cableknit tights (boys can wear them too) designed to slowly chip away at my child's self respect). and i will have to give up my career ambitions for her/him. because i do not have my shit together enough and I'm not as smart as some ladies i know who are doing both- and are making it work!

b) i'm poor as shit and my b.friend is too

c) what if i drop it?

that said. i really want this whole career thing sorted out. and i am working hard to do that. but i do wake up in the morning occasionally with the panicky thoughts of

what if this doesn't happen? what if it doesn't fall into place? and what if i do drop it?

i won't drop it. i know that. but i am scared of all of that. for reals.