Step Up

i did a show last night. i was Laurel Fields, international modern dancer. it was a so, so crowd. i got the feeling that a big group in the front were there to see their friends. that's cool. because i was loving Laurel last night. i do love what i do. i love what i can create. i do not love getting caught up in the 'business' of it though. because when i do, i have a nasty habit of comparing myself with others who i deem more successful or with it or quirky or you know - whatever. i guess that is the stone i'm stumbling over these days. with every success, or every step closer to success - comes the weight of realizing that this cycle repeats itself as long as you are in the game. and i'm in it. because what else am i going to do with my life? the next thing and the next and the next are bigger - more important than where you are or where you have been. and that's exciting isn't it? but it's also a bit of 'fuck. i have so far to go.'

i draw inspiration and a sense of stepping up from my friends. most of my friends are ladies who also desire to do and accomplish the same thing i do (become insanely rich and famous, drive around in a gold plated Lexus and just nod at people instead of saying hello, because we are all wanna-be gangsters hidden in the bodies of saucy New York comedian/actor/performer ladies). We're sort of like a 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants', except not. because we're all 25 or well over and slightly jaded and we can afford to buy our own jeans from H&M.

so - yeah - i'm not alone, is basically what i'm trying to say. and i know that if i'm comparing myself - i'm human. i might have a tendency to do it more often than most - but maybe not. in fact most probably not. because i have a reference point. i have a flock of birds to fly with. i have wind beneath my wings and then some. i have a hurricane of wind beneath my wings. and i can be that wind for someone else's wings! we are the world! we are the children!

okay - but seriously folks. aren't friends awesome?

and another thing. each stumble is part of the path.

and one more thing. i don't know why i am doing what i'm doing. but i love what i'm doing and i want other people to feel that love too. i sort of want to fuck everyone collectively through performance. that is not my final answer but that is finally my answer for right now.