connect the dots, la-la-la

i ventured into the arctic of last night and went to a bar with a friend. said bar is a hot-spot of the alternative comedy scene in new york - especially on wednesday nights. and being a performer of a somewhat comedic bent, i suppose that this stomping ground has a certain pull, a glossy sheen, a je ne sais quoi.

as i've mentioned before, i often feel like the black sheep in my family because of my unconventional life choice to move here to new york and gamble my best years away at being a paid actor/artist/performer/you know. but i also feel a bit sheepish (hey-o!) when it comes to exhibiting social aplomb. my mother could carry on a conversation with a nun during her vows of silence if she wanted to. she is that amazingly adept at the art of exchange. her constant words of advice to me when i voice my insecurities in the arena of social banter are to remember what my southern grandmother (who's expertise at tete-a-tete would have put Oprah to shame) would say which was: 'ask people about themselves because people never tire of talking about themselves.' which is all well and good and sometimes true. but what if that person is really boring? or just thinks there are cooler people to talk to who could do more for their career/social standing/self-esteem? or what if you feel so boring and cold and out of sorts that you put them out of sorts and then you start thinking negative thoughts like - 'y'all are just here to kiss ass'? which is probably somewhat true - but not wholly - and so what? i've done my fair share and will most certainly go on to do it again.

it's networking and i have a love/hate, mostly hate relationship with it. but that is just part and parcel of this business, and really this life.

i've been trying to wrap my little brain around some fairly profound Buddhist philosophy lately. and one of the things it talks about is how we are all inter-connected - that we all effect each other and that our individual actions effect everyone and everything around us.

so i guess when i go to a place like that bar last night - and i get the idea in my head that it's so high-school, and i don't want to play along, and it's just stupid - maybe i embody that and maybe people read that and i feel them reading it.

deep thoughts.

maybe i should just go feel uncomfortable more often. maybe that is 'the secret'.

and then again maybe not.

maybe it's just realizing that life is complex and people - even if i think they are acting so high-school - are too. and that is a good thing.