Everything is Material

i'm back at the office this week and i'm proud of myself for making my lunch today and not spending a fortune on the food at Rockefeller Center. even though wichcraft's mozzeralla & fontina melt with tomato and olive spread, makes me blissfully happy. it's the little things in life.

and though i'm back at the day job, at least there is a lot of material all around me. i have at least a page of material on a lady at the office. if there's anything redeeming at all about these grinding day-jobs, it's the stuff all around you that can give you inspiration for your next project.

here's a character i'm working on named Jan Popper. She's basically based on a bitter drama department teacher i had in high school. There's a lot more to her. This is just the beginning :)

THE ACTRESS: Episode 1, Hannah

this is a project that i'm really proud of. about two years ago, i got together with my friend and director Eliza Skinner and started plotting out the points of what would become my one woman show at UCB - 'USE IT'. 'USE IT' ran at UCB for nearly a year and garnered a Critic's Pick from Time Out NY as well as this lovely quote: 'ON THE MARK: Ann Carr is what most comics aren't: a fine actor.'

at our first meeting, Eliza asked me 'what is going on in your life right now? start from there.' bit by bit as my life kept rolling along - all these things came bubbling to the surface and eventually i had several characters and their stories to tell.

after being on some inspiring film shoots, i realized that i have this real drive and desire to tell stories through film, primarily as an actor but i really love writing too. i'm also so inspired by and impressed with the hilarious and specific work of my friend Michael Cyril Creighton on his web series Jack In The Box (shot by the super awesome and talented Jim Turner!). so, i decided that i wanted to take the stage show and spin it into this web-series. it's FUN. i can't wait to shoot episode 2. i'm just excited to see what I can create. i hope you enjoy it.

Happiness

"Life holds so much-so much to be so happy about always. Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can be felt only if you don't set conditions." ~Arthur Rubinstein

i just got back from Christmas with the family, where i had a mini life crisis. i go home periodically during the year, but lately Christmas has been a real bitch to get through.

part of this is my own wiring. i tend to make myself sick with worry about what will be and what is to come. and i also judge myself. and apparently i've decided that Christmas is a great time to concentrate on all possible harbingers of doom. why, i don't know. because things are good. life is good. i'm in love, i have a great passion and talent and i'm making real progress. all i know is that, when i'm in the pits there is no rational thought - and there is no way out of that business if you can't think rationally. because when half of your brain is concentrating on nightmares that you fabricate, it's really hard to channel that energy into constructive and productive thought. i'm working on it. self-destructive thinking is exactly that. and it kills happiness. it's important to take stock of where you are and what you want out of your life. but it's most important to look around you and see all of the beauty and love in your life. and to LAUGH. and on that note:

e train

the sad song in the subway is all about changing and growing and i have a hard time keeping it together. i've had a few drinks tonight. holiday party. there's a bag of cat food in my lap. oh my GOD, am i THAT lady?! the man across from me has on shoes that are shining. bright brand new. nikes. my coat is old and the feathers poke out of it. an old bird, shedding. gretel helping hansel set the path. a dandelion forgetting. there's a cry in my throat. i'm a little drunk and feeling a bit sorry. i'm sober and feeling sad.

it gets better.

ape shit

i started my day off right yesterday by acting alongside my wonderfully talented friend Michael Cyril Creighton (MCC) in his delightfully hilarious, witty, and wildly popular web series 'Jack in a Box'. then i proceeded to fall apart into a hot mess with each consecutive step closer to my day job. the shoot was such an inspiring and cool experience and i cannot wait to see the finished product. meanwhile, this Sunday, i'm shooting a scene from my solo show 'Use It' with Jim Turner (super talented man behind the camera for 'Jack in a Box'). it's gonna be guerrilla style (no permission/license) in a Starbucks, and a real, live baby is going to be in it! (because everyone knows real babies are better than fake ones. except when they cry.). Here's the most recent Jack in a Box 'The Mother'...uuggghhh! i love this shit!

hold fast

i'm trying to keep hold of the film shoot i was in on Sunday and remember that i am an actress and an artist and i'm making progress. so hard to do when you are sitting at a desk under flourescent lights. it was one of the best experiences creating in a collaborative setting that i have had in a long time. it also reminded me that i'm a good actress. i know that i can do characters and change myself - but those are characters that i create. not that this is a minus. i love creating my own work, but it's very different from taking someone else's work, someone else's vision and carving a place in yourself so that you can tell their story. one thing that it re-inforced in me was how much i love the medium of film and how much i would love to do more. i love how it holds life up so that you can see it in all it's infinite intricacies. and i love how during and after the shoot it crystalized life into moments for me and opened up my mind to all these loveley film fantasies. wouldn't it be great to have a shit-load of money so you could make any film you wanted to make? maybe i shouldn't let money limit me, though. maybe i should make what i can with what i have and just keep auditioning and striving and trying to be in a g-d damn beautiful movie(s) some day. here's my latest character creation. her name is Jan Popper and i'm a mite obsessed.

getting hitched

I just got engaged. He asked me on my birthday (Oct. 3), and since then I can't stop looking at my ring. Gotta check in every 5 seconds. It is one of the prettiest things I've ever been given. Warren said: 'I think you love that ring more than you love me.'

'NOOOOOO!' (furtive side glance to check in on my ring)

We've been together 10 years. Yep, in other words longer than a lot of marriages last (we win!) (just kidding!) (nah, i'm a little bit serious). I never thought in terms of a 'time line'. Perhaps because my ambitions bend towards establishing my career as an actress (i.e. - mememememe! - but in the best way possible), instead of enwombing a life and driving my Prius to Whole Foods for organic apples so i can make homemade baby food with my hand-crank baby food machine and then sit on our wrap-around porch and breast feed while observing a baby deer leaping through our wooded back-yard (i.e. my vision board. Well, a corner of it anyway. Again, i'm a little bit serious).

I recently remembered a recurring dream that I had when I was an adolescent and well into my early twenties. In this dream, i would be marrying the wrong person. These dreams would begin with me totally unsuspecting: I was SO HAPPY! Then i would be walking down the aisle and i would see the groom was someone i KNEW i didn't want to marry. I'd turn tail to run and i would awake in one of those screaming episodes that is doubly terrifying because you cannot make a sound. Your empty maw clawing at the mute night. Ever see the Oklahoma wedding ballet sequence? Sort of like that. Mind you, i've only recalled these dreams recently and i'm pleased to find that it explains a lot about the way i have talked and thought about marriage leading up to this point.

In the early days of our relationship Warren and i used to talk quite a-lot about how independent we were from each other, and how self-actualized, and how marriage was just a contract, and we didn't believe it worked, and anyway we're artists, and other really pedantic, obliviously ignorant stuff. Outwardly i would agree because i didn't want to believe in marriage. I'd seen bad marriages (my parents' being my main primer) and decided it sucked and would be best to avoid. You see a crappy marriage as an example of the institution and you think: 'hmmm... not so much'. So i characterized it as cheesey and cloying and co-dependant and destructive and weak and dorky all these things.

And then around year 8, i realized that in many ways Warren and i were already married: eight years together, four years LIVING together (which is an entirely different beast, and no easy feat). We've grown up together, spending about a third of our lives with one another. Holy shit, how did this HAPPEN?! You don't realize it when you're living it, but one day it creeps up on you and you realize... this person is an integral part of your life: He unflinchingly embarrasses himself willingly in front of you, and ENJOYS it. You assault him with rude and unfragrant body noises while watching hot vampire sex on True Blood. He behaves like an ass in front of your friends. You say things that you would NEVER dream of saying to anyone else EVER... IN YOUR LIFE. You both forget anniversaries (keep an eye on those BIRTHDAYS though. God forbid). When you get sick and have to go to the hospital because you STILL don't have health insurance, he sits with you in the emergency room for seven hours and holds you when you start crying at hour five - and laughs uncontrollably with you when the homeless dude walks out of the ER with an open jar of gherkins (?!). You both melt when the little baby girl with the big brown eyes at the table next to yours, smiles at you. He plays the straight-man to your neurotic freak fests.

And when you look at the beautiful ring he slaved to get you and instead of saying yes RIGHT AWAY like you are SUPPOSED to, you start crying that you're scared and you don't want to fuck things up and be like your parents, he looks at you unflinchingly and says

'It's just a ring'.

'Yeah. A really beautiful one.'

'You can always take it off.'

'Over my cold, dead, corpse.'

Then you both laugh because he gets it, and you get it, and you both get each other. And you both have each other. And you're so happy. And you're HOME.